"Tsundere (ツンデレ, pronounced [tsɯndeɽe]) is a Japanese character development process that describes a person who is initially cold and even hostile towards another person before gradually showing their warm side over time. The word is derived from the terms tsun tsun (ツンツン), meaning to turn away in disgust, and dere dere (デレデレ) meaning to become ‘lovey dovey’.”
Now since I started exploring into the world of men (who like men) I’ve become very open about my sexuality. Naturally, that includes the work place. Although that it is mainly due to the fact that I decided to get into someone’s cubicle and confront them about a possible homophobic encounter, which then lead to this huge company meeting about discrimination, and the company’s low tolerance policy for it… ANYWAY… this has put me in a position of being THE gay guy at work. I finally understand what it feels like to swim against the tide.
Occasionally I have to leave my desk and run into the warehouse. I’m constantly reminding myself that everyone knows I’m gay. Focus on work. Be clear about what you need, get it done, and leave. It helps that I have some authority. Though not enough to boss people around, but enough so that people don’t waste my time. Regardless, it’s intimidating enough for me to walk out there that, I posture myself in a way that forces people to take me seriously.
There’s this one guy…
I can never make eye contact with him. That should tell you how intimidating he is. The few times I was brave enough to stare at him directly, our eyes met without fail. This is probably what it feels like to have a gun pressed to my head with the intent of murder. But I can’t help watching him when I get the chance to. My self esteem drops whenever he’s nearby. We’re actually close to each other the majority of the day, it’s just that I try not to face him, and we don’t talk. We’re just quietly with each other. I’m afraid to walk in his direction even if I actually need to go there. He’s always glaring at me. He just seems really mean. The one time I asked him for help he snapped at me for bothering him, and then he helped. I never asked him to do anything after that. It just feels like he has a low tolerance for everything, and I’d be a waste of his time, and ultimately in his way. I figured this kind of treatment came with being the openly gay male at work. I don’t even know why I have a crush on him honestly…but it’s there…and boy do I dream.
On Friday I had to leave the office to go find a product in the warehouse. The information on the paper lead me to a really high shelf, and of course he was there in that isle with me. Brooding and being scary as usual. He started to move in my direction. HE NEVER MOVES IN MY DIRECTION. HE ALWAYS WALKS THE OTHER WAY IF HE HAS TO. SHIT. FUCK. All I could do was move out of the way. I positioned myself under one of the shelves (they’re pretty tall shelves) to make room for him. He stopped right in front of me and reached out his hand. I handed him the paperwork, and he got me what I needed. He asked me if I needed help with anything, and his voice was kinder than what I’m used to. I thought he might be high or something.
Later on in the day I went back out there to use the bathroom, and I made an attempt to shoot a paper ball I made out of some old invoices. I’m not a basketball player. My aim is terrible, and I have no form. He just HAD TO BE LEAVING THE BATHROOM RIGHT WHEN I MADE THE SHOT AND MISSED. Actually I almost hit him. O_O … I just stood there awkwardly. Embarrassed. He stared at me for a few seconds before smiling, picked up the ball, and made his way over to me. We were standing side by side, and he made the shot. I didn’t have anything to say. I looked up to him, our eyes met…and he just smiled, and walked away…